


We Become What We Know

by TheDisappearingAct



Category: Big Little Lies (TV), Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
Genre: F/F, Take it as you will, so yeah this isnt like super romantic or anything but its intimat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 01:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20127346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDisappearingAct/pseuds/TheDisappearingAct
Summary: There is weakness in admission and it's been a while since Celeste has allowed herself to be weak.





	We Become What We Know

Celeste sat in her living room in front of the tent, watching the boys sleep. The twins and Ziggy had wanted to go camping and since neither Jane nor Celeste were up for sleeping outside in November, they decided to have them camp indoors. The fireplace crackled softly next to the plates of leftover s'mores. Celeste might've have gone to pick them up but right now she was focused on something else. In the soft light she could make out the similarities between Ziggy and her boys. The soft crescent of their eyelids, the upturn of their nose. In them she saw flashes of Perry, his face when he slept. The way he seemed so vulnerable in their bed. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash in the kitchen. "Do you need any help?" she called out to Jane, who had disappeared moments ago. 

"No, no! I'm fine, just trying to find a corkscrew."

"It in the cabinet next to the stove." 

Jane appeared shortly in the doorway with a bottle of wine and two glasses. "I thought we should have a little fun ourselves." 

"This isn't exactly roughing it." Celeste said, making space for her on the couch. 

"Of course it is! Haven't you heard of glamping?" She sat down next to her and poured two glasses.

And then there was... silence. Not uncomfortable silence but silence nonetheless. The two quietly sipped their wine and for the first time in a while, Celeste felt like she didn't have to say anything. Both her and Jane were perfectly content with the quietness of each other's presence. It was a feeling Celeste hadn't realized she was yearning for. 

And then Jane spoke. 

"You know sometimes I can't believe that I'm here," she said, turning to Celeste. "Four years ago, if you'd told me I'd be here I wouldn't have believed you." 

"You wouldn't have believed that you'd be drinking wine while your son camped indoors?"

Jane laughed. "You know what I mean. Four years ago I didn't think I'd ever stop being afraid." 

It was such a raw sentiment that Celeste was taken aback. She knew she should say something. Should offer up her own emotions in exchange for such a personal detail. But she couldn't bring herself to speak. 

Jane must've sensed this but she just smiled and turned her head back to the tent. "Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it."

"Of course you do." Celeste was surprised to see how sincere her voice sounded. She usually kept her tone curt and guarded, something she picked up in law school, but now her voice was so much softer. "You've worked hard to come here. You've worked hard for Ziggy. You deserve to be here as much as I do." 

"I know but sometimes it's hard to believe it." she replied, leaning her head on Celeste's shoulder. "I worry for Ziggy you know?"

"Don't all parents worry for their children?"

"No, I worry that he'd going to grow and be like _him_." she said, suddenly sitting up. She turned and looked at Celeste. "That somewhere deep inside him is Perry. That no matter how hard I try, he'll always be a part of him."

"Stop that. Ziggy is an insightful child who is being raised by a kind, caring, _present_ mother. The best I've ever seen." And before she could stop herself, she added. "I wish I could say the same about my boys."

Her words felt heavy in her air. Jane looked at her with... pity? No, it was something more genuine than pity. Concern.

"_Celeste._"

Celeste realized she was crying. Silently, like she was used to. She quickly wiped her cheeks with her sleeve. "I- I'm sorry."

"No, its alright. Its okay." Jane's arms were around Celeste and she melted into them. 

"I didn't even know about the video that they made. And this whole time I've been so, so _distant _from them. I know they feel it. I know it hurts them." She took a shaky breath. "They need me so badly right now and I'm not there."

"Celeste, you've given more sacrifices than I could imagine for Josh and Max. They know you love them." 

Celeste was suddenly very aware of herself in Jane's arms. She moved herself away and got up, taking a deep breath. As she picked up the glasses and the bottle, she saw a flash of something on Jane's face. She looked almost... hurt. 

"I know I was going to leave and pick up Ziggy in the morning," Jane started as Celeste walked to the kitchen. "But I think I've had a few glasses too many do you think-"

"Of course," Celeste replied softly turning around. "The guest bedroom is upstairs at the end of the hall. There's a spare blanket in the closet if it gets cold." She realized her voice had returned to its steely nature. She hated herself for it.

Jane picked up the plates by the fireplace and brought them to the kitchen, placing them in the sink. She looked up at Celeste and their eyes locked for a moment too long. 

"Thank you," Celeste said. She hoped that Jane understood it was't about the plates. 


End file.
